It hurts.

For Christmas this past year, Little Sis gave me one of those day-by-day calendars, where you rip off the pages as the days go by. Each page has some sort of sisterly fact on it, like a quote or a saying. I turn that calendar every single day, and every single time I think of her. It's times like these, when I'm crying because we're fighting, that I want to take that little calendar and just hold it real close, because it has happy memories attatched to it that I remember every day.

She feels like Boyfriend has taken her spot. "You can't go ten minutes without saying his name, or something yall did together." I don't talk about him ALL the time, but of course I'm going to talk about him. He and I spend a pretty good amount of time together, and he makes me happy. She lives 3.5 hours away, and she hates everyone right now. She is literally unapproachable. I tried to explain to her how great it's going to be when they move here, I'm literally 25 minutes away from their new house. But all she can do is bitch and complain and pick a fight with me.
It hurts a lot.

I'm so excited for this move, but I'm so pained by her inability to be excited. Ugh, I'm emotionally EXHAUSTED right now.

So proud.

So I've come to realize that Everything In Moderation should be my mantra forever. I've been binge-free for one whole week, which is something I haven't done in awhile. And even better; My parents have been visiting for the past 3 days and I still have yet to binge, which is practically unheard of for me! I always tell myself "I'm visiting with family, it's okay to eat!" But it ends up terrible and I feel terrible and they have terrible looks on their faces from all of the terrible food I just ate.

BUT!

We have been eating out constantly and I've been such a good girl. I'm not ashamed to say that I am proud of myself. Dessert? No problem. I had 3 amazing bites of chocolate cake, and I was satisfied. Pizza? I laaaaaaughed in the face of pizza last night. Two slices of thin wheat crust pizza with chicken on top instead of greasy pepperonis and I was one happy camper. Throw in a chocolate covered pretzel ball and I'm not feeling guilty one bit.

Right now, in celebration of my goodness, I'm trying a new cooking recipe. Spaghetti Squash. I've never even heard of it, but my trainer told me about it and she made it sound so fabulous I just had to try it. Granted I'm just now getting into cooking, I hope it turns out delish!

Tonight a very good friend of mine has a huge birthday party, and I'm not even slightly nervous. My motivation? Training in the morning, and my (slowly) changing body.

Content!

I got my ass kicked.

Sometimes I forget how good it feels to work out really hard... And that forgetfulness is partially why I've become such a friggin fatty. Ugh.

I worked out with a personal trainer for the first time EVER today. She's amazing. Total sweetheart, total motivator, and totally has the same name as I do. (No big deal.) She's helped me with nutrition, what I should be eating. "Everything in moderation." I like that motto... No more deprivation. If I want the cookie, I eat the cookie. But just that ONE cookie... Let's see how that plays into the whole binge eating disorder thing I have goin' on.

I feel really good about this though.

She also said that I need to start getting a solid 8 hours of sleep everynight. She told me this on Tuesday, and after following that simple instruction I already feel a lot better. I'm not tired and sluggish. More energy. Isn't it crazy how one simple lifestyle change can make you so much better?

She has me keeping a food journal. It's pretty cool actually. I don't feel like a nerd writing down everything that I eat because I'm actually showing it to someone. Someone is going to see it and give me praise for being a good girl. That's motivation to eat right for me.

Still pretty upset about the Virginia Tech massacre. I watch these interviews and just cry. I watch the videos of the killer and I am so scared of what he was like, because according to everyone he knew, "he was just shy." How many "shy" people do I know? How many of them have the ability to snap like he did?

I'm going to be nice to EVERY SINGLE PERSON I encounter from now on. It's just too scary.. The world we live in.

It's all so trivial, isn't it?

Although I'm in California and don't know a single person in Virginia, I mourn. Fearful for of the world I'm growing up in, I mourn.

My thoughts are with the victims of the deadliest gun massacre in U.S. history.

Insecurity is making me it's bitch.

A long time ago, Boyfriend's older sister (whilst in a drunken stupor of course... She's not often in any other state of mind.) told me that I'm an insecure girl, and I need to get over it. I was livid at the time, because who the hell was she to judge me? But I now realize that I was angry because, even while intoxicated, she had figured me out. I'm entirely insecure about everything.

Last night Boyfriend decided to hang out with his boys and go to a bar. I was honestly okay with this... It gave me time to chill out at home and catch up on some tv. Then I started to binge. And it kept happening, and I hated every minute of it. I received a text message from Boyfriend about how drunk he was when I recalled the last time we were at this bar. We ran into his one and only ex-girlfriend's best friend. Awkward. Then I started to worry. Maybe The Ex would be there as well. Boyfriend is drunk, The Ex is still in love with him, and I'm at home on my third bowl of cereal. These thoughts were swirling in my head to form a sort of tornado of insecurity.

After some mean-spirited text messages back and forth (Bf: "I have to wake up so early and I'm drunk." Me: "Oh well. I'm going to bed. Have fun, be safe." Bf: "Good night." Me: "No 'I love you'? Wow, thanks babe.") I turned off my phone because I was angry. I do that because I feel like if no one can get a hold of me, I'm in control of the situation. Then I turn the phone back on, have 2 text messages from him asking if I'm still awake. Of course I am; I'm the biggest worrier I know. I ALWAYS worry about ANYBODY who goes out and I'm not around. It's not just him; My parents, my friends, everyone. So it's 2 a.m. and I decide to call... To no answer. By the time 4 a.m. hits, I'm wide awake and frantic having called twelve times (yes, really, twelve.), left two voicemails and two text messages. I finally get to sleep, and he calls this morning.

"My phone was on vibrate, we're fine. I'm sorry you were scared."

I'm so angry right now, I just want to scream.

He knows how I am. He knows I worry. So I tell him this. And he gets defensive, we end the conversation awkwardly, and now we're both angry.

All of this probably could have been avoided were I secure about my relationship, but more importantly, about myself.

Things always seem to end badly on nights that I binge. I need help.

I need a place for me.

I'm a very family oriented person... I love my family. We used to be so... Dare I say it, perfect. Then the proverbial shit hit the fan and, well, here I am finding out that they've begun seeing a family counselor. (The key word there being "they", not "we".)

I guess it all started when I left home. Typical story... Teenager leaves home for college, on to better things, a better life, trying to better herself. The separation was difficult, way more than I expected. Actually, I really expected to miss my mom and my little sister... But what I didn't count on was missing my dad. I miss him more than I miss them. I know, that's terrible, but it's true. It's amazing how much you realize you miss something (or someone) after they are gone. I used to go home a lot.. Not so much anymore.

My little sister is my best friend. She's the polar opposite of me, and that's what I love most about her. She doesn't let anyone walk all over her, she knows who she is and what she's about, and she's only 17. I'm almost 21 and I haven't even come close to figuring out that kind of shit about myself yet. Anyway, recently my parents decided to get out of the piss hole that is my hometown and actually move here, to San Diego, where I live. Little Sis isn't taking it so well.. Actually, she's not taking it at all. She is the epitome of the teenage rebel. She's angry at the world, and everyone's out to get her... And it's taking a toll on... Well, everyone.

Dad called earlier... I haven't seen him since Christmas. I'm going home for Easter, but unfortunately he won't be there. He has a "work thing" in Oklahoma. It breaks my heart not seeing him for this long. It pains me even more for him to call me and ask what he should do about Little Sis... Like I know. On the one hand, I see where she's coming from; It sucks Mom&Dad are making her move her senior year, they hate her boyfriend, she hates them, blah blah blah. But on the other end, I completely empathize with my parents; It's not like they're asking her to move to fuckin' Egypt, it's SD. Her boyfriend is a deuche bag, and I want to kick him in the knees. (What kind of 20 year old guy who works at the local dairy and wears chick pants dates a 17 year old girl? Ew.) And she doesn't have to REBEL so god damn much. So Dad drops the bomb on me: "Didn't Mom tell you? We're seeing a family counselor."

Enter my mother. Also my best friend, but a lot more like me than Little Sis. Perfect in every way, the sweetest of dispositions. The picture of success, beauty, and poise. Ok, it sounds like I'm trying to make myself sound like all of those things, but really those are the things I strive for, not what I am. She's one of those people who ignores an inherent problem if it's too taboo or dirty looking in the public eye. So of course I call her immediately after hanging up with Dad, and after dancing around the issue she says she will not speak to me about it because therapy isn't something you just TALK about. Uhm, excuse me, I'm in this family too, and I think I have a say in all of this. Not to mention I have been in therapy before, and probably should still be in therapy... I just don't want to deal with MY problems.

And finally, me... My problems. Well, I guess the only one I'm completely aware of is I have binge eating disorder. I eat until I can't breathe. Disgusting, I know. Especially considering I used to be a skinny twig, and now I'm becoming... Well, a tree trunk. It's all I think about, all day every day, and it's driving me insane... But heaven forbid I talk about it. I need help, I just can't afford it... Financially or mentally.

Well, I'm exhausted from introductions... More later, after I sign up for a personal trainer. Ugh.