Insecurity is making me it's bitch.

A long time ago, Boyfriend's older sister (whilst in a drunken stupor of course... She's not often in any other state of mind.) told me that I'm an insecure girl, and I need to get over it. I was livid at the time, because who the hell was she to judge me? But I now realize that I was angry because, even while intoxicated, she had figured me out. I'm entirely insecure about everything.

Last night Boyfriend decided to hang out with his boys and go to a bar. I was honestly okay with this... It gave me time to chill out at home and catch up on some tv. Then I started to binge. And it kept happening, and I hated every minute of it. I received a text message from Boyfriend about how drunk he was when I recalled the last time we were at this bar. We ran into his one and only ex-girlfriend's best friend. Awkward. Then I started to worry. Maybe The Ex would be there as well. Boyfriend is drunk, The Ex is still in love with him, and I'm at home on my third bowl of cereal. These thoughts were swirling in my head to form a sort of tornado of insecurity.

After some mean-spirited text messages back and forth (Bf: "I have to wake up so early and I'm drunk." Me: "Oh well. I'm going to bed. Have fun, be safe." Bf: "Good night." Me: "No 'I love you'? Wow, thanks babe.") I turned off my phone because I was angry. I do that because I feel like if no one can get a hold of me, I'm in control of the situation. Then I turn the phone back on, have 2 text messages from him asking if I'm still awake. Of course I am; I'm the biggest worrier I know. I ALWAYS worry about ANYBODY who goes out and I'm not around. It's not just him; My parents, my friends, everyone. So it's 2 a.m. and I decide to call... To no answer. By the time 4 a.m. hits, I'm wide awake and frantic having called twelve times (yes, really, twelve.), left two voicemails and two text messages. I finally get to sleep, and he calls this morning.

"My phone was on vibrate, we're fine. I'm sorry you were scared."

I'm so angry right now, I just want to scream.

He knows how I am. He knows I worry. So I tell him this. And he gets defensive, we end the conversation awkwardly, and now we're both angry.

All of this probably could have been avoided were I secure about my relationship, but more importantly, about myself.

Things always seem to end badly on nights that I binge. I need help.